Hoping, Not Coping

Many summers ago, I dared to hope for more. I didn’t want to – I tried not to – but I couldn’t help but fall for that boy with whom friendship came so easily. I didn’t want to hope for it, because I knew what would be coming – and I was right. A couple months later, the answer became clear. And it was “no” yet again. It was shortly before then that I wrote this in a poem:

It feels like a sickening repeat –
The refrain from a song
I long wanted to forget –
Of loving a best friend
Who never loved me back.

And the thought of facing that again
Is more than I can bear –
The cruelest of jokes
Wrapped in the most beautiful façade
Once again forbidden from me.

I’m not strong enough
To go through this again, God.

Rejection is not something any of us ask for. Repeated rejection is even worse, leaving us feeling like there’s something wrong with us or that maybe God doesn’t care about our pain. Yet, even through the darkest of times, God is near and faithful, and He’s teaching us lessons if we’re humble enough to see them. He also offers hope for our hurting hearts – and when we center our laments for rejection in Christ, we find comfort and healing.

1. Lament.

Some rejections hurt more than others. When it’s a person, a job, or an opportunity that we were only “kind of hoping for,” and it doesn’t pan out, we feel disappointed, but life moves on. However, when it’s something or someone we deeply longed for, the pain of rejection goes much deeper. In those instances, the appropriate first response is lament. The Bible teaches us that it is right to lament over what is broken in the world, and rejection is part of that brokenness.

Bring the pain to the Lord and grieve. Grieve the loss of hope with that person, the loss of a dream, and the absence of joy that would have been fulfilled. As Psalm 145:18 says, “The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth,” and Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” God cares about our broken hearts, and He is weeping with us. He meets us in the dark places and holds our lament with gentle hands.

“In times of heart healing, the best place to be is serving the Lord” Lydia Kinne

2. Get honest, loving feedback.

In the initial sting of dealing with rejection, we can easily doubt everything about ourselves and feel insecure since it feels like “we weren’t good enough.” It’s important to remember that there might not be a problem with us. Sometimes we’re just not right for another person or for a certain kind of job.

However, when we’re in a more stable place, it might not be a bad idea to talk to friends and family who love us and are willing to give us honest feedback. We can ask about any blind spots that could be a turnoff. Apart from our personalities, do we have habits or behaviors that we’re unaware of that could be sending the wrong message? Do we have specific skills we need to hone in order to improve our chances next time? This takes a lot of humility, but willingness to grow is important in all areas, especially in potential relationships.

3. Trust the Lord’s sovereign plan.

God is sovereign over all things, including our relationship status, our job status, our house status, and our parenting status. This is most important when we’ve been rejected, whether it was something we longed for deeply or hoped for just a little bit. When the answer is no, we can trust that this is God’s guidance for our lives. That person, job, or timing was not his best for us, and we can believe that He wisely kept it from us for a reason.

We may not see His reason—or in several years, it might become crystal clear. Either way, God is directing our paths in love, and we can trust that.

Lydia serves in Doxa college ministry. Here she participates in a panel Q&A time with other college group leaders.

4. Serve the Lord where you are.

A rejection is the last thing any of us wants, but sometimes it’s also an opportunity to focus more on our relationship with the Lord and serving Him. In times of heart healing, the best place to be is serving the Lord and drawing closer to Him.

Instead of anxiously trying to solve the problem of rejection by going out and forcing something else to happen, we need to take time to wait on the Lord and seek His face more than the answers we crave. We can know that our lives are not a waste even though they don’t look the way we thought they would. They have value, and God is doing great things in and through us if we’re being obedient to Him.

5. Hold onto your eternal hope.

Finally, don’t give up hope. After many rejections, it can be easy to close the door of our hearts to protect ourselves from future hurt. But we have no idea what God has in store for us, and it’s better to hold our lives with an open hand, ready to receive God’s best for us in his timing.

After our hearts have healed, and we’re ready to move forward, we can ask out the next person, apply for the next job, try that new thing again, knowing that God will never leave us alone in the process. He will give us the strength we need to persevere and the strength to walk through another possible rejection.

And one day, we will be accepted forever into eternity where all tears will be wiped away and we will rejoice in the presence of our King. May we ever keep this eternal perspective when the road before us looks bleak.

Lydia Kinne

Lydia is a teacher, poet, and blogger, who serves various ministries here at Faith. You can read more of her writing and subscribe to her blog at lydiakinne.com.

View Resources by Lydia Kinne