“I thought I was just a very capable woman.” By human standards, Judy Adams was exactly that. She was an attentive single mother, a neonatal nurse, a violinist, a task-oriented perfectionist.
In her late 40s, Judy finally understood that she was something else: a sinner. She had gone to church all her life, but the uncomfortable truth finally came home through her new pastor’s second sermon. After a short struggle, she surrendered.
“I repented and acknowledged that I am a sinner. It’s not just ‘people’ who are sinners, it’s me.”
As the Lord changed her heart, Judy began to put off her “respectable” sins. “I had been a very angry person. … My anger felt like a cloak that I had wrapped myself in to protect myself from everything else out there, and I had to give it up.”
That cloak of anger was the first of many things she would have to surrender under God’s sovereign care. Since then, much of her life has involved “losing and losing and losing.”
About 25 years ago, Judy went through a bout of influenza that left her with a permanent sleep disorder. Since then, she has experienced diminished physical strength and energy, friendships and family contact, clarity of thought, singing, hearing, and sight.
She had to retire early, sell her home and move into a retirement community. She gave up driving. She can no longer attend Sunday services in person. More recently, she found she also could no longer attend the missions prayer meeting that is dear to her. Mental confusion has even hampered her ability to memorize and meditate on Scripture.
Still, Judy desires to honor the Lord who loves her and forgave her rebellion against Him. For her, trusting God is a “moment by moment thing.” While “plodding along” isn’t how she would have chosen to live, that is how she describes the constant choice of living to honor God amid confusion and loss.
Because it takes so much mental and physical effort just to keep up with her basic personal tasks, “I know my thinking can get quite me-centered.”
She says she has to work hard at turning her focus outward: She keeps meeting with her Growth Group via video even though it’s a struggle to remember how to use the computer. She stays current praying for the requests from the missions prayer group even though she can’t come to meetings. She watches birds and wildlife through her porch window and takes short walks twice a day, intentionally thanking God for His beauty and creativity.
She also listens to music every day to keep her thinking on track. “Sovereign Over Us” is one of her favorites.
You meet us in our mourning
With a love that casts out fear
You are working in our waiting
You’re sanctifying us
When beyond our understanding
You’re teaching us to trust.
Lynn and her husband, Doug, lead a Growth Group. Lynn serves as a writer and editor for Living Faith magazine and other church communications.
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